Dark Stanley

Dark Stanley was a scary story told at school by Bart in The Simpsons episode “Yokel Chords”.

When you go to school this morning, tell your friends to be on the lookout and remember to stick together because today is the anniversary of the Dark Stanley Murders. Oh, you’ve never heard about the Dark Stanley murders? Well let me tell you the whole story.

Imagine I’m holding a flashlight under my face…

Years ago Stanley de Brute was a cook at your school. All the kids made fun of him because he never graduated from college. “Stanley, Stanley, no degree! Two credits short at MIT!” they would sing.

One day, Stanley couldn’t take it anymore. He picked up a cleaver and put a new entree on the menu. A delectable little dish called “Kids’ Head Soup”. Then he lured all the children into his kitchen and chopped off their heads, one by one.

Later that day, the teachers at your school were horrified when they discovered that the delicious soup they were eating for lunch was made from children’s heads.

What happened to Dark Stanley? Well, they hanged him for murder and buried him in an unmarked grave. But when they came back the next day, the whole cemetery was missing.

Try not to think about it…

They say Dark Stanley still stalks the halls of your school. If he catches you, he peels all the skin off your body while you’re still alive and makes pyjamas out if it. Then he tears off your arms and legs and roasts them over an open fire while you are forced to watch. And just when you think he’s done, Dark Stanley takes your head and makes it into a toilet and pees into it.

I know, he’s very weird…

So when you go to school today, beware of Dark Stanley. Today is the day he comes to harvest heads for his soup of sorrow. And if you’re not careful, you may just may wind up on the lunch menu.