The Quick Divorce is a scary funny story from Russia about a girl whose parents split up. The mother and father both want custody of their daughter.
Once upon a time in Russia, there was a married couple who had a daughter named Iriska. The parents loved each other very much and they were very fond of their daughter.
One Sunday afternoon, Iriska’s parents got into a big argument. Her Mom wanted to go to the theater to see a play because her friend had told her it was very good. Her Dad wanted to go to the stadium to watch a football game, because his favorite team were playing.
Unfortunately, the mother didn’t like football, and the father hated the theater.
As the day went on, the parents began to quarrel more and more. The argument escalated and the couple were so angry at each other that, by the evening, they had decided to get a divorce.
They began screaming and yelling at each other, both of them demanding full custody of their daughter. Iriska’s Mom said that young girls belong with their mother. Iriska’s Dad said that he couldn’t bear the thought of being separated from his daughter.
Eventually, the father became enraged and said that he was sick and tired of all the arguing. Without another word, he stormed off into the garage and came back brandishing a chainsaw.
“This will solve everything!” he yelled as he sliced his own daughter in half.
He picked up the girl’s lower half (the legs and pelvis) and threw threw them at the mother. Her upper half (the head, arms and chest), he kept for himself.
The mother flew into a rage. “Why do you get to decide which half you keep?” she screamed.
The father started up the chainsaw again, and cut each half of his daughter in two. He picked up her top right quarter and her bottom left quarter and tossed them to his wife.
“I’ll keep the left arm, the left part of her head and chest and her right leg”, he said. “Are you satisfied now?”
Later that evening, the parents were sitting on the couch, cuddling.
“Wait a second”, said the father. “What happens if I want to spend time with the parts of our daughter that you have?”
“Don’t worry”, replied the wife. “I can keep all of her parts during the week and you can have them on the weekend.”